Insights on the Soccer Field

soccer ball

Dammit missed again. And again. And again. Soccer is not going well this night. I play once a week in a women’s rec league. It is strictly for fun and absolutely none of my teammates take it seriously. No one so much as looks at you sideways if you miss the ball. No one cares if we win or not (which is good because wins have been few and far between this year). And yet I can feel myself getting really upset that I am not playing well.

A year ago I would have just kept getting more and more upset until the whole experience became really awful. But now I am able to recognize that I am being hijacked and get curious about what is happening. So I start to think about what is setting me off.

I start asking myself gentle questions like “What’s going on here?” “What are you feeling?” “What are you thinking?” And then it hits me right there in the middle of the soccer field under the dome on a snowy evening when I am well into my 50’s.

The only time I got the undivided attention of my parents was when I was playing sports. My mom didn’t like driving so my dad would always come home in time to take us. This meant that both my parents were there with nothing else to do but watch the game. If I played well and scored a few goals I would even get some compliments on the way home. That was pretty much the only time I felt anyone paid attention to me or cared what I was doing. And trust me, that’s no exaggeration.

This all hits me between the eyes this night. I realize the strong emotions coming up are from my eight year old self feeling that the only way to be seen (and therefore loved) is to score a goal. Now, mind you, I am processing this literally in the middle of the game. Oh, there goes the ball again. Dammit. Good thing my teammates are forgiving because I am clearly not focussed on the game right now. Pardon me while I come to a life-altering realization. Just play on around me.

I finish the game with a knowing smile on my face even though we got clobbered and I sucked. I have always been particularly hard on myself when playing sports and I finally know why. It seems so obvious now that I see it. But seeing it is the problem, which you can’t do when you lack the ability to step back and perform what is known as compassionate inquiry. I finally have the ability to do this and it is paying off in spades.

This is what healing from trauma looks like. It is developing the ability to jam a wedge in that space that allows you to step back, breathe, and then approach yourself and your big emotions with compassion and curiosity rather than judgement. I have never been able to do this until quite recently.

Sorry teammates but it was so worth it. Oh and by the way, I might suck for the next few weeks because healing is not linear. Thanks for letting it go.

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