Hmmm………what exactly is relevant here? What makes me who I am? What would someone reading this want to know? Apparently I have more questions than answers. That is pretty much always true of me.
My core values are peace, authenticity, family, compassion, and curiosity. I am a healer and I am healing. And oh yeah, I happen to really like the tranquility of paddling. I have shed many a cathartic tear in my kayak.
In order to appreciate my journey to becoming who I am now, it helps to know who I used to be. Because of a lot of unhealed childhood trauma, I have spent most of my life being angry, critical, defensive, and emotionally immature. I have not been good in relationships and have struggled with parenting.
I have since done a whole lot of work on personal development and spiritual growth. I have done talk therapy, somatic experiencing therapy, have worked my way through tons of books, and have established a daily meditation practice. I have excavated my way to the very back of the closet, pulled out pretty much every last skeleton hiding back there, dragged them out into the light, wrestled with them (at times these are all-out slam you to the floor battles), and finally made peace. I have let myself feel all those big emotions I had suppressed for so long, as I believe that the only way out is through. Most importantly, I have surrounded myself with people who are on a similar journey. Without my core group of family and friends I don’t believe I would even be here. You know who you are and you know how much I love you.
The person I am now is infrequently angry, less often critical and defensive, and is mastering the art of utilizing the space between stimulus and response to my advantage. I tell the important people in my life how amazing they are and how much I love them as often as possible. My life is very much more peaceful and I am well on my way to becoming a kinder and more compassionate human being.
This is my journey. I hope some of it resonates with you.
I normally really enjoy blogging. It’s a creative outlet for me that has come to be an important part of my routine, but since the world went sideways my mind has gone blank. I can’t remember anything and I seem to have forgotten how to talk. There is so much information out there – too much if you ask me. It’s difficult to keep yourself reasonably informed without being completely overwhelmed.
Today is my mother’s funeral and I am here at home in a different city. This is the right decision for me. Some
I am about to hit send on an email. My heart is pounding and I feel like I am back in middle school sitting alone in the cafeteria eyeing that kid I would really like to be friends with (who of course is at the cool table), but don’t have the nerve to do anything about it. I almost convince myself to delete the message but something stops me. So I decide to hit send even though the vulnerability of doing so almost makes me physically ill. There, I’ve done it. Yikes, I’ve done it.
Dammit missed again. And again. And again. Soccer is not going well this night. I play once a week in a women’s rec