Sorry, not Sorry

blocks saying I am Sorry

There are a few words of which I am trying to limit the use in my vocabulary. One of them is “sorry”. In my opinion one should only say sorry if you have screwed something up that has inconvenienced or hurt someone (like you forgot to show up for something or stomped on someone’s toes) or if you have behaved inappropriately (like lost your shit on someone). Other than that I think this word is overused and it has consequences.

Let me give you an example. A few weeks ago I had made a coffee date with a friend at the other end of the city. The morning dawned and it started snowing. By the time I left the house it was coming down pretty hard. I wasn’t sure I would make it there but I thought I would try. I got on the highway and could barely see where I was going so I made the decision to get off at the next exit and go home.

I tried to call my friend but she was in the shower and didn’t pick up so I sent her a text message when I got home. I started typing “I’m sorry” but stopped myself. Why you ask? Let me explain.

Let’s say I had sent her a message that looked like this:

“I am so sorry I’m not going to make it today. I tried but the roads are really bad. We’ll have to reschedule for another time. I hope that’s okay. Sorry again for not making it.”

Harmless you think? I think not. First of all, we generally say sorry when we feel bad about something. And when we feel bad about something then it often happens that our friend reading the message now feels bad that we feel bad. You know what I’m talking about. My friend may have read that message and thought, “Oh no! She feels bad for not making it. I don’t want her to feel like that!” We’ve all had these thoughts. Then my friend may go into damage control mode, insisting several times that it’s really no big deal. Don’t worry about it. Really it’s okay.

The thing is, I in no way felt bad for cancelling the coffee date due to bad road conditions. And we all know that my friend would not have wanted me to take a chance on getting into an accident for a coffee date that could easily be rescheduled. And yet somehow we have arrived at a place where she feels bad that I feel bad and neither of us is really expressing how we are truly feeling. And how did we get here? That one pesky word – sorry.

So instead of sending a message containing the word “sorry” I deleted the dreaded word and sent a different message. I matter-of-factly explained that the roads were bad and I had decided to go back home. And then instead of apologizing I did something else. I told her I was disappointed because I was really looking forward to seeing her. In other words, I told her how I authentically felt.

Her response? She said yes, it’s best to stay safe. Let’s reschedule for another day, and darn it I’m disappointed too.

And NOBODY FELT BAD. In fact it felt quite good to acknowledge to each other that we had been looking forward to it.

So I challenge you to reserve the word “sorry” for when you really have screwed up. Find other words to express how you actually feel and I’m pretty sure it will change the tone of a lot of conversations.

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