Today is my mother’s funeral and I am here at home in a different city. This is the right decision for me. Some might not agree, but this is the kindest thing I can do under the circumstances. How is this kind you might ask? I believe it is kind because it involves me being authentic.
I spoke to one of my cousins about this recently. I knew at the time that my mother was not long for this world. To put it in perspective, this particular cousin is one of the kindest and most compassionate people you will ever meet. We talked about how it would be inauthentic to attend a funeral and put on an act of mourning. She thought about it and then said that under the circumstances she’s not sure that she would attend the funeral either. She fully supports me in this decision as do a lot of my other extended family members.
For me kindness and authenticity are inseparable. Sometimes people do things that they don’t really want to do in order to avoid upsetting someone else. We think this is a kindness but it really is not. Inevitably the truth will come out, and whether the person who we are trying to avoid upsetting hears about it or not, we know it in our hearts. Kindness isn’t just about the face we put on for the outside world. It’s about being at peace with ourselves and our own actions. It has to come from a place of honesty or it’s not truly kind.
And so I made my decision to stay home. My brother was not impressed by this and called me to tell me so. In his gruff voice he says, “I just want you to know that I don’t agree with your opinions of mom.”
“Mmm hmm,” I answer. Then there is a very long pause. He is expecting the old dance with which my family is quite familiar, where the other person gets defensive, tries to explain themselves, and the fight is on. I give him none of that because the new me feels no need to. I take a deep breath and reassure myself that I am doing the right thing. His shock is palpable over the phone.
He tries again. “I understand you’ve made your decision,” which is notably NOT “I understand your decision.”
“Yes I have,” I say firmly. There is an even longer pause here while he goes into even deeper shock. I absolutely will not justify myself to anyone, least of all him, and it’s blowing his mind. He’s completely speechless. I finally end the silence by asking, “Is there anything else?”
He regains his voice and says, “Well, I wanted to tell you that on the phone rather than by text.”
“Okay. Bye.” And that was that.
I am completely at peace with my decision to stay home. It is a kindness to everyone involved, and most importantly it is a kindness to myself. I know I will have no regrets when this is all over. Really, I’m good.