When I see a parent with their child and the family resemblance is highly obvious it always makes me just a little bit sad. I did not contribute to my children’s genetics so they don’t look anything like me. I am of Japanese descent while my kids are fair-skinned blue-eyed Caucasians. While this poses no barrier amongst us, apparently it’s a huge stumbling block for others. I mean, we are talking about a stick jammed in their spokes while tearing down a big hill kind of thing.
One time, when my kids were quite young, I took them to the park with friends of mine, a Caucasian couple, who were visiting from out of town. I was really tired and one kid wanted me to push her on the swings while the other wanted to climb the play structure but needed supervision. My friends told me to relax on the blanket I had spread out while they played with the children.
I gratefully settled back to take in the beautiful summer day. It wasn’t long, however, before my moment of peace was disrupted by a pair of eyes boring into me. These eyes belonged to an older person who was sitting at a nearby picnic table. She was skewering me with the most judgemental look imaginable.
At first I thought maybe I was imagining it but she kept glaring at me, looking over at my friends with my kids, and then back at me. I was sitting there trying to figure out what the heck I had done when it hit me. I suddenly realized that she must have thought that I was the Filipino nanny who had the audacity to sit there on her butt while the poor Caucasian “parents” actually had to entertain their own children. The gall!
Now here’s the thing – most of you would never have made that leap. But I did because I’m so used to it. I get looked at askance ALL THE TIME in public with my kids, especially if the judgey folks overhear my kids calling me “Mommy”. Then they get the stick-jammed-in-the-spokes look on their face and truly can’t compute what is in front of them. And that’s exactly what happened when a few minutes later my kids came running to me on the blanket yelling, “Mommy come and play with us!”
The look on that old lady’s face was priceless. I actually laughed out loud but deep down it hurt. Sometimes I can let it roll off and sometimes it’s just too much too often.
It’s interesting how people don’t do so much of a double-take when they see a Caucasian parent with Asian-looking kids. I guess that’s justified by the fact that white people have often been known to adopt children from Asia. And yet somehow it’s not okay for an Asian-looking parent to have Caucasian kids. It appears to be truly and completely incomprehensible to some.
My latest experience with this phenomenon was even worse. My son has had a problem tooth, necessitating multiple visits to dental professionals for months, and culminating in the removal of the tooth under anaesthetic. The day of the procedure he was in my custody, so I took him to the appointment. My ex-partner, who is Caucasian, was meeting us there later as a second adult is required to sit in the back seat with someone who has had an anaesthetic.
The first thing that irked me was the form I had to fill in, which gave only two options for gender – male or female. I pointedly drew an extra box and wrote “other” beside it just to make the point. Grrrrrr. When the anesthesiologist came to talk to us he introduced himself and then said the phrase to which I am so accustomed – “And you would be…….?”
Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ. It had been made crystal clear prior to the appointment that the patient had to be accompanied by a parent or legal guardian who could give consent for the procedure. The receptionist had made sure I had filled in and signed all the forms before going in, and yet he was still confused about who I was. Despite all of the evidence in front of him indicating that I was the parent, that stick still got stuck in his spokes when confronted by me with my Caucasian son.
Much as I wanted to give him a lecture, I am always cognizant of the potential issues this can create in terms of how my kid will be treated. So I answered through gritted teeth and tried my best to ignore the widening of his pupils at my answer. FFS.
The rest of the team were lovely and treated me appropriately as I held my son’s hand while he was put to sleep. Until the recovery room.
Just as my son’s procedure was finishing up my ex arrived to accompany us home. We were both ushered into the recovery room. The nurse who was with him got that familiar confused look on her face when she saw me. As our son slowly came to, the nurse explained about what to expect for the rest of the day and how to care for him. She spoke to my ex-partner, and only her. She never once looked my way or acknowledged my presence. At one point she handed some gauze to my ex in case of bleeding. She promptly handed it to me saying, “Here, you should take this home with you.” Yet the nurse still wouldn’t look at me.
When our son was ready to get up and walk out, my ex took one arm and the nurse took the other leaving me as the third wheel. I walked awkwardly in front of them and opened the door to the parking lot. That nurse would not relinquish my son’s arm to me until he was well clear of the door. Then she turned to my ex and told her to call right away if anything went wrong in the next few hours.
It’s so hard to find words to describe how these experiences feel. Sometimes I am invisible because people can’t fathom that I am my children’s parent. Other times I am invisible because my partially shaved head and gender ambiguous presentation don’t fit into someone’s narrow binary categories. Eyes slide by mine sometimes without making contact even if I smile and say hello. People sometimes just WILL NOT SEE ME.
I don’t share these things so people will feel sorry for me. I share my stories to raise awareness of how people who look like me are treated. I’m sure many of you are shocked at what I have experienced, and my point is that you shouldn’t be. It happens all the time right there under your nose. You just don’t see it.
The only way to make change is to be aware that there is a problem and then to call it out. So start paying more attention to how other people around you are treated. Speak up if you witness people being treated unfairly or unkindly because of how they look. Once you start looking for it you’ll probably see it much more often than you could have imagined possible.
