For those of you who have a good relationship with your mother, today is likely an occasion for celebration. You probably enjoyed picking out something for her that you know she will appreciate, and smiled as you wrapped her gift while anticipating the joy it will bring her. Today will be filled with warm hugs and loving family time.
This week my thoughts were prompted by a post in a Facebook group for moms that I follow. A woman had posted her dilemma of finding an appropriate Mother’s Day card as she found them all too gushy. She is entirely right. It seems that every Mother’s Day card you pick up croons on with things like “I love you so much”, “you are the best”, or “I couldn’t live without you”.
Well, what if this is not how you feel about your mother? It seems on Mother’s Day you are supposed to feel guilty if you don’t. Well at least Hallmark would like to try to make you feel so. For some of us this day is but a painful reminder of the mother we don’t have and didn’t grow up with.
My mother and I have been estranged for many years. I had to withdraw from our relationship as I found it quite frankly toxic. Even as I became a mother myself I have maintained my distance. For the life of me I cannot understand where she is coming from, so for me Mother’s Day is a bit of a two-sided coin.
This week my son’s daycare held a Mother’s Day breakfast. He was so excited for me to go that every morning this week he cried when we had to tell him “Not today. It’s on Friday.” When I look at the pure love and joy on his little face when I do something like this with him, I am overwhelmed with happiness but at the same time there is a lingering sadness as to why my mother couldn’t be like that with me. When my daughter randomly jumps into my arms, wraps her entire being around me so tightly I can hardly breathe, and hangs on forever, tears spring to my eyes. They are tears of joy, but some part of me feels a void that could only ever be filled by a mother who could accept such unconditional love from a child.
I don’t have many happy childhood memories that involve my mother, but as a mother myself I can appreciate the effort that went into fulfilling my basic physical needs. I know now that it is no small feat to feed, clothe, bathe, and transport a child daily. Heck, just getting a preschooler into shoes and a jacket (not that one Mommy, THAT ONE!!!) and out the door some days is a Herculean task. For this I am grateful, but there is so much more to being a loving parent. Even as an adult these losses are felt.
I am not writing about my experience to be a downer on Mother’s Day. I am simply asking this – if you see someone looking a bit sad today, consider what their story may be and offer them a compassionate smile. Author and researcher Brené Brown has interviewed hundreds of people who have experienced significant loss, and here is what they all said – “When you are grateful for what you have, you honour my loss”. If you have a great relationship with your mother, be grateful for it. Love her with all your heart, because seeing that somehow makes my burden a little lighter.
