It has been almost a year since I left my 23-year relationship. Up until now it’s been a bit of a whirlwind. Getting through all those firsts can be challenging, and trying to co-parent young children with someone who is still very hurt and angry takes a lot out of a person.
I feel like the dust is settling a bit now and I can create a little distance to step back and take stock. How am I doing, really? What is it that I want? Is there anything I need to change or do differently? How can I continue to grow and be a better person? As usual I am full of questions, but I think that’s a good thing. We don’t move forward without questioning.
This morning I had coffee with a retired colleague of mine. She is 72 years old and still loves learning and pushing her own personal growth. She actually said that as she grows older she finds herself even more knowledge hungry than ever. She joked that she looks back at her younger self and thinks, “I was really stupid then!” I love that she has made her own development a priority.
This is also what I have done and ultimately it was the final demise of my relationship. I have grown more in the past couple of years than the entire rest of my life. It started with me realizing that I was not being authentic. I was keeping myself small to fit in a box whose dimensions were determined by someone else. Why? Because I thought that’s what I had to do to be loved. Not surprisingly, given my childhood, I have spent my entire life up until now believing that I was not loveable. So I forsook my true self and accepted whatever breadcrumbs of attention came my way because I never believed I deserved more.
I believed that my laugh was too loud, that my passion for things was too strong, that my constant questioning was too annoying, that I was quite simply too much. My boisterous personality made my ex-partner uncomfortable. She would shrink down in her seat if I laughed loudly in a restaurant. She would give me a “shush” look if I shouted at a party. She would walk away if I was being the centre of attention in a group.
So I made myself small, but the price was high. I started to resent those imaginary borders and the person who was supposedly controlling them, until I realized that person was me. I was making a choice to shrink myself to fit inside that box, and that wasn’t fair to me or to my ex-partner. The person she loved was not the real me. The real me made her very uncomfortable when she peeked her head out. And that right there was the issue.
My ex completely blames me for our breakup, and in a way she’s right. If I had been being my authentic self all along then we probably never would have gotten together in the first place. It was, in fact, my personal growth that was to “blame” for the ending of the relationship. After decades of therapy to process a whole lot of trauma I finally realized that I am loveable just the way I am. At long last I came to understand that I can express myself authentically, and for the right people I will never be “too” anything.
So I spoke my truth with kindness and compassion and walked away. My ex was stunned and I’m quite certain still has no idea what happened. I know she can see that I’ve changed, so perhaps she thinks I spent 23 years pretending to be someone I wasn’t. But it doesn’t work that way. Personal development sometimes happens slowly over a long period of time, and at other times it can happen quickly in leaps and bounds.
What really happened is that I grew slowly but steadily during our relationship until I reached a point where I realized it just wasn’t right for me anymore. Then once I left and created the space I needed to truly reflect on what I was doing and how I was thinking, things took off exponentially. I’m sure if she read this she would think I was blaming her for holding me back, but that’s not it at all. The only one that was holding me back was me. I made the choices I made and I chose to hide the real me for all those years.
All that is done now. I am a completely different person than I was even one year ago and people around me can see it. My kids can see the change and have noticed that I am more patient and more connected to them. My relationship with them has blossomed and for that I am so grateful. I am content and quite frankly, I like the real me. As we were saying goodbye this morning my colleague cocked her head, looked at me, and said that I looked really happy. I told her I’ve never been happier in my life. “It shows,” she said with a big smile.
So what’s next? Well, first of all I would like to continue to take time getting to know the real me. It’s kind of like being reborn. I’m still testing out my Bambi legs quite honestly. Interestingly, people have been reaching out to me to connect recently. Some are business acquaintances, others are on a more personal level, but they are essentially saying, “Hey, I’d like to get to know you better.”
Isn’t that interesting? So apparently there are people out there who like the real me. The sometimes big and loud me. The one with strong passions and sometimes stronger opinions. The flawed perfectly imperfect me. Who knew that was possible?
Inevitably I get to the question of a new relationship. I am only just now beginning to contemplate the possibility, but I know one thing for sure. I will not put my chameleon skin back on nor will I accept breadcrumbs of attention. If someone is to become a part of my life, they will have to love the authentic me with all my warts and blemishes. No more box for me. I chuckle to myself as I hear Hannah Gadsby’s voice saying, “Can I eat the box?”
You’re darn right you can.