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My Mother Died and I Feel Nothing

flower

Content Warning: Abuse, Emotional Neglect

My mother died this morning. If you’re like most people, you just sucked in your breath and thought “Oh no! That’s awful!” I, however, feel a whole lot of nothing.

I cut my mother out of my life a very long time ago. She was an extremely toxic and narcissistic person. All she ever did was criticize and she never found anything positive to say about anyone. Ever.

I endured abuse in many forms from her, and complete emotional neglect. My childhood was awful in so many ways, and our relationship in adulthood was no better.

I mourned the parent she could never be a very long time ago. I shed many a tear when I finally realized she was not capable of change. That was real grief. Today is definitely not.

In fact, at some point this afternoon I realized that I would never again have to hear her put-downs, see her disapproving looks, or have to hear about whatever nasty thing she said about someone. I smiled at the liberation of that.

She is gone. And I am free. As this really starts to sink in, I am feeling lighter. For a brief moment I feel guilty for that, but then I realize that I paid dearly for this liberty. I paid for it with the loss of my right to be a carefree child. I paid for it by being used as a pawn in an adult game. I paid for it with my mental and physical health. I paid for it in so many ways. Now I’m done paying. I owe her nothing.

I will likely not attend the funeral. I see no point in standing there listening to people tell me how sorry they are when I am not. People will judge me for that but I truly do not care.

I have stood in my integrity and honoured my values. I have maintained my boundaries. I have protected my family from toxicity. I am at peace with myself. So I will close the book on this chapter and move forward without a glance behind. I have endured so so much. And now great things await.

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