Today is my first sepaversary. One year ago today I plucked up my courage to have the conversation that would end a 23 year relationship involving two young children and a shared home. I had come to the definitive conclusion that I needed out about a week before but due to life circumstances had decided to delay acting upon it. In the meantime I had messaged the couples therapist for advice on how to proceed. She simply suggested I speak my truth with kindess and compassion.
I had set a date to speak up on a Monday after a visit from extended family, but the day before our company arrived my then-partner confronted me asking why I had been so distant. Oh boy. In retrospect it was probably less stressful for me having to do it on the spur of the moment rather than having too much time to think about it.
It was one of the hardest conversations I’ve ever had in my life. I was shaking and crying and thought I might be sick at one point. But I did it. I spoke my truth which was simply that the relationship was not working for me anymore. I spoke in “I” sentences and talked about my own feelings and struggles. We had been going to couples therapy for three years by then with what I perceived as very little progress being made (and I had been up front about this), so I didn’t think this news would be a total shock. Apparently it was.
She said she was completely blind-sided, which made the whole thing even more difficult. I found myself scrambling and questioning my own sanity. How could it be so painfully obvious to me that the relationship had to end when to her things were just fine? I had a moment of panic then before all those years of daily meditation paid off.
I took a deep breath, grounded myself, and quickly came to the realization that her reaction had everything to do with her and nothing to do with me. I was sitting there speaking my truth as kindly as possible and there was absolutely nothing else I could do.
So I sat there and absorbed her hurt and anger. I let her scream and rail at me and said nothing. I didn’t have to. I had no need to justify my feelings. I just needed to let her have hers.
About a week later we told the kids. Thankfully we had consulted with a psychologist about how to talk to them. She was amazingly helpful. Keep it simple and just let the news land, she advised. Wise woman.
When we told the kids their reaction was very telling and, despite how painful it was to see their pain, I felt reassured that I had made the right decision. The first thing my tween daughter said was “I’ve been afraid this was going to happen for at least a year.” Damn that kid is so empathic. And her younger brother, who has challenges with emotional regulation, did not in fact lose his shit, which hints to me that this was also not a total shock to him. He cried of course and needed to be held before giving a fist pump and declaring, “Yes! Double Christmas!” Also very astute.
For the next three months we had to live under the same roof with each of us leaving periodically to allow the other some space. Needless to say this was a very difficult time. My ex-partner held onto her anger like a talisman, wielding it any chance she got. I could understand this if I had done something to warrant it but I hadn’t. There was no infidelity, no emotional affair, and no dishonesty. This was just me coming to the realization that the person I had become could no longer be in this relationship.
While we dealt with the logistics of a separation I started hunting for a place to live. Thankfully this came together quickly but only because I took the biggest financial risk I’ve ever taken and committed to buying a house before I had any money in my hand from our shared home. Those who know me are aware that I am generally quite risk averse, so this speaks volumes about how desperate I was to get out of there as soon as possible. I was dying under that roof.
I rolled the dice and put my trust in the universe hoping everything would fall into place in time. It did. Just barely. I literally showed up at my lawyer’s office on the Monday morning of closing with a bank draft in my hand that I had only been able to secure on Friday. Normally I would have made myself ill with stress over this but some part of me deep down knew that it would all come together. I don’t really know from where that certainty sprung but it was absolute.
When the lawyer handed me the keys to the house later that day I broke down in tears. Those keys weren’t just about a new house or even about getting out of a relationship. They were the culmination of many years of me uncovering who I really am. They unlocked the first steps on my journey as a trauma-healed/healing person, as someone living authentically for the first time, as someone dedicated to the values of kindness, compassion, and authenticity. And I haven’t looked back.
Now I live my life honouring my physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual needs. I have more time to see the important people in my life and more time to dedicate to myself and my own personal development. I am firm in my boundaries and I don’t waste energy on things that don’t align with who I am. I am a much better parent with tons more emotional energy to give to my children. And I know that if I do ever get into a relationship again it will be because I want to and not because I feel I have to. I am a complete and fulfilled person just the way I am. The real me effectively turns one year old today.
And the best thing of all? On Family Day, which was six months after The Conversation and three months after we moved into our new home, my son declared, “Things are WAAAAAAAY better now.” When I asked him how he said “Well, things are way calmer so I’m way calmer.”
My daughter gave me a knowing nod and said that she could see that both of her parents were much happier. When I asked her what made her think that, rather than saying something like we have more fun now or that I have more patience, she basically said because each of us gets to decide everything for themselves now (à la control freak). Hmmm, perhaps there is still work to do then.